


Hiraeth

by IttyBittyTeapot (LittleSeedofDarkness)



Series: Canonverse Drabbles [5]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Bittersweet, Ereri Writing Prompts 1, M/M, Mutual Pining, Romance, Tea, canonverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2019-02-27 10:26:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13246275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleSeedofDarkness/pseuds/IttyBittyTeapot
Summary: Rather than pining for something they can't have, Levi and Eren find peace in what they can.





	Hiraeth

**Author's Note:**

> I jumped to this prompt on my list because it also fulfills the current prompt for [ereri-writing-prompts](https://ereri-writing-prompts.tumblr.com/post/169203238735/prompt-1-hiraeth)

  ** _Hiraeth:_** the homesickness for a home you can never return to; a home which maybe never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places of your past

 

  It’s not uncommon for Levi to awaken during the small hours of the morning, sleep eluding him as darkness presses around him and he stares bewildered at the ceiling. Sometimes it feels like a familiar friend, though other times, like now it makes him shiver and grip his sheets in his hands until his knuckles turn white. It’s one of the nights when he feels lonesome. When he glances over at the empty spot in his too big bed, frowning at the perfect pillow next to his without so much as a crease in its pillowcase.

  Knowing the yearning will lead him down a road which feels too much like regret, he sighs and runs his fingers through his hair, tugging a bit. The sharp pain in his scalp distracting him from the ache in his chest.

  He sits up and rubs his eyes then wraps a blanket around himself to shield his body from the chill. Testing the temperature of the floor, he stretches his toes toward the ground and hisses. The icy spark is like rejection, the stone admonishing him to get back into his empty bed and go back to sleep.

  Despite its insistence and his exhaustion, he disobeys the order and ignores it, scowling when it retaliates with a surge of ice through his veins as he shuffles his feet across the cold floor.

  Making tea and grabbing the book he’s been devouring in the evenings is all he’s willing to do. There are other options, but they only twist the painful knot which throbs inside, morphing the dull twinge into a stabbing jolt. Eren will accept his presence gladly if he slips inside his room and climbs into his bed, enfolding him in his long arms and allowing him to steal his heat while he nuzzles his lips against his hair. He’ll whisper the quiet little words he doesn’t dare say when the sun’s in the sky, and Levi will find fitful sleep as the murmurs soothe him like a lullaby, pulling him away from the waking world to a realm where his desolation doesn’t exist. Still, he refuses to seek him out.

  When he leaves his bedroom, Eren is there in the living area, the door to his room standing open a crack. Levi’s eyes widen then narrow at his terrible luck.

  “Couldn’t sleep.” Eren’s huddled on the sofa wrapped in a blanket similarly to Levi. He’s in Levi’s spot, resting his head against the cushion Levi likes to lean on in the evenings while he reads.

  Usually Eren isn’t up when Levi creeps out to the common area of their shared quarters during the wee hours of the night, but of course, he would be awake as well and cuddled on the sofa. And of course, the light from the hearth would be framing him in a glow which makes him look like an angel, his messy long hair looking impossibly golden, and his big beautiful eyes which only become more mesmerizing as each day passes would be blinking at him in a far too enticing way. Levi’s being set up by some cosmic force, as if he’s meant to be infected with Eren’s presence. It has to be serendipity that while trying to avoid the longing and visions which gnaw at his mind, the real thing is right before him, waiting in what he wished to be a solitary sanctum.

  “There’s still tea?” Levi asks, rubbing his hands together to ignore the clamminess covering his palms as he flicks his chin at the small porcelain pot on the table.

  Eren smiles and lifts an eyebrow. There’s something playful in his expression. “There’s tea, but it has a kick.”

  “‘A kick?’”

  “Blackberry brandy,” Eren says with a pat beside him on the couch. “Sit with me.”

  “You know I can’t get drunk.” Levi breathes out a deep breath and decides to pour himself a serving anyway, noticing the alcohol-induced blush to Eren’s cheeks as he sits down next to him. “Are you drunk?”

  Eren snorts. “No. This is only my second cup.”

  “Is that shit any help?”

  “Not really,” Eren says and grins, “but it tastes good, and my throat is tingly and warm.”

  “Nightmares?”

  Eren doesn’t answer right away. Instead, he slides closer to Levi, and tips his head just shy of leaning it against his shoulder, then swallows a gulp from his cup. “No. The problem is my body is tired, but my mind isn’t.”

  “Hm.” Levi hums into his drink and wonders if the same thoughts which have disturbed his rest are what vex Eren as well.

  He’s barely had time to settle, but Eren is lifting his arm, holding open his blanket and beckoning Levi inside with him, and it’s not the first time Levi’s stopped himself from widening his eyes while swearing Eren can read his mind.

  This isn’t an uncommon occurrence for them, and Levi wants to crawl up next to Eren, feel his heart against his palm, hear the strong, steady beat in his ear. Though he hesitates and stares at Eren as he wets his lips. He really shouldn’t. This is what he was attempting to escape, but so much worse. Worse because unlike his thoughts and his dreams, it’s real and too close to what he desires.

  He tenses both hands around his teacup, gently shifting back into the warmth he’s too weak to refuse, trapping a needy hum in his throat when Eren cocoons them in soft, worn wool and presses his lips to the top of his head.

  They’ve shared a bed, embraces, soft kisses to napes of necks, and whispered words of endearments under the darkness of night, and for many long years, it was enough, more than Levi could ever have asked, yet the days when it was a balm for his tattered soul have come to a close.

  Levi’s been quiet, patient, standing on an edge waiting for Eren to tell him it was all right, that he could touch, and kiss, and feel, and bind them together until they’re one. Despite never saying it aloud, he knows Eren feels the same way, but he waits nonetheless. Eren lives with enough burdens without Levi forcing another on him.

  He’s still getting comfortable when Eren knocks back the rest of his tea, sets it aside, and pulls him closer. They’re under the blankets, Levi wrapped in Eren’s arms, quiet save for the sound of quick breaths and the beat of wet snow pelting the window panes. Fingers are tracing down Levi’s spine, and one of Eren’s big hands is drawing lazy patterns on his hip.

  “Sometimes I want to leave,” Eren whispers, “I know I can’t, but it doesn’t stop me from wanting to.”

  Levi rolls his eyes. He’s gotten over Eren’s brash decision to run off to the enemy’s doorstep, though it doesn’t stop him from poking when the opportunity arises. “You already did that.”

  “Not like that.” Eren presses closer. “A home. I want a home, simple, and warm, and far away.”

  Closing his eyes, Levi sighs, and murmurs against the underside of Eren’s chin. “But it’s not that simple.” How he wishes it was. That they could leave, that either of them or any of them could lead a life anything close to normal.

  “I want a garden full of vegetables and chickens, and big hearth in a little kitchen.” Eren swallows slowly, and Levi feels it. “A giant cozy bed with lots of pillows, too. One that I can wake up in every day, and it’s so comfortable I don’t want to get out of it…not like the one I have now.”

  “Some of us don’t get to have those things.” He doesn’t blame Eren. At first, after his life in the underground, fresh air and the sun felt as if it were enough. And then he gained a family, and that was enough, but there’s an itch in Levi’s chest which wants more. It didn’t pummel him right away, he’s never been selfishly unhappy with what he was given, with what was better than before, though each time he sees light and feels warmth, the desire to take more of it and hold it desperately ignites somewhere deep in his belly.

  Eren sifts his fingers through Levi’s hair. “I’d bring you with me,” he whispers.

  Of course, he would. They’re like an old married couple who never realized they got married. Levi isn’t sure when it happened. He used to think it began when Eren crawled into his bed after the rooftop, his first night out of jail, but Levi resigned himself to the truth years ago. It occurred long before that.

  “Eren…”

  “Levi…” Eren tightens his arms around him. “We never talk about it.”

  “Why should we?”

  “Because it feels like that big stupid boulder I carried to the wall when I was a kid, and I hate it sitting between us.”

  Pulling his head away from Eren’s chest, Levi looks up and finds green eyes which look too glassy for his liking. “I’ve always been here.”

  “So have I,” Eren says and takes Levi’s cup from where he holds it propped on his chest.

  “Oi, I wasn’t finished with that.”

  All Levi’s protests die on his tongue as Eren’s lips brush against his. Once, twice, a third time before Eren’s drinking down the whimper escaping Levi’s throat, and gently sliding his tongue inside to lick into his mouth.

  Eren tastes like blackberries and tea and that emotion Levi hates putting a name to, but he takes it all with greedy little noises as if it will never be offered again. This is all Levi’s wanted for years, and it’s so different than what he expected. He always pictured unrestrained hunger, Eren consuming him as if he were starved, but Eren is tender and careful and feels like he could shatter in his embrace.

  When they part, Levi is sure surprise is etched onto his face, and his heart thumps in his chest at the realization that he can’t begin to care. Eren’s just kissed him, and his broken spirit feels more alive than it ever has in his life. Still, it doesn’t stop the self-doubts from sliding up. They feel like sticky black tar oozing up his back, creeping over his neck, and if he doesn’t blink enough, the doubts will cover his eyes, nose, and mouth until he suffocates. Why did Eren choose to do this now, he thinks. Why after all this time, sitting on the sofa at three in the morning, swathed in blankets and longing and heartache?

  “I know we still can’t go,” Eren says against his jaw, “and I know you think it’s why I kissed you.”

  Levi wants to reach out, touch Eren’s cheek, and skim his thumb over the lip he’s biting as he peeks up at him. “Why then?”

  Eren laughs, dark and mournful and brimming with regret. “Because this is fucking stupid,” he says, “and I’m tired of not being able to sleep. I’m tired of waking up and thinking of a home together that we’ll never have. I thought maybe if I never said it, or did anything about it that it might go away. But I can’t ignore it or fight with it anymore. I’d rather have a piece of my dream than none of it.”

  Eren never accepts things well, even as he grew from an awkward, angry teen to the man he is now, it’s one thing which hasn’t changed, and Levi doubts it ever will. Levi’s taken aback, though he sees the fire in Eren’s eyes, determination, and devotion, mingled with forlorn stoicism.

  “We can’t run away.” Levi’s heart plummets as he says it. He despises the possibility that his words are a deluge pouring down upon the ember which burns in Eren. Still, Levi’s never been a liar. He’s been many things, things most would see as worse than one, and perhaps he is terrible, but he would still never lie to Eren.

  “I’m not asking you to,” Eren says.

  “Because there’s a war to fight.”

  Running his fingers up into Levi’s hair, Eren scratches stubble and looks at him with the same sureness he seems to have about everything. “Yes, but maybe someday there won’t be.”

  It’s not often it happens, but at times, Levi wishes he were better with words. He kicks around in his head for a moment trying to scrape some up while he looks at Eren and brushes long fringe out of his eyes. “If we can someday, but for now focus on this.”

  “This?” Eren asks and kisses Levi again, desperate and yearning and wolfish, breathing promises into his mouth. Runs his hands down his sides, wraps arms around his waist, and pulls him up against his chest as close as he can.

  Levi doesn’t want to, but before he melts, he pulls away, chest heaving and breathless, blood shooting through his veins so hard it pounds in his ears. “Yes…this.”

  “Your bedroom or mine?” Eren says.

  Eren’s hand running over his chest is already lulling a feeling of peace, not enough to fall asleep just then, yet enough to draw out a contented hum as Levi closes his eyes. “Surprisingly, I don’t really give a fuck.”

  “Yours then,” Eren says and buries his face in the crook of Levi’s neck, “I like how your bed smells better.”

  “We wash our sheets together, it smells no different.”

  Standing up with a smile, Eren grasps Levi’s hand. “It smells like you.”

  There’s a flush coming to Levi’s cheeks, he can feel it burning as he allows Eren to pull him up and lead him to his room. Something he’d curse if it happened in front of any other person, something he’d curse if Eren’s words didn’t spike into him like he drove them in with a mallet, filling him until he was so full he could tear apart.

  When they’re settled in bed, Eren insists on being the little spoon and crunches himself up as small as he can. Levi smiles, his lips curving against the nape of Eren’s neck as he pulls the blankets up to their chins.

  Eren holds Levi’s arm down tight where it’s settled against his stomach, and Levi tucks himself around him and breathes Eren in while their eyes close to drowsy visions.

  They fall asleep. They sleep, and they dream in each other’s arms of peace. They dream of a house and a garden, a hearth in a kitchen filled with delicious food and fragrant tea. They dream of a bed that’s warm and safe and smells like that priceless word neither of them ever say because it’s not enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is appreciated. <3

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Hiraeth](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16037003) by [IttyBittyTeapot (LittleSeedofDarkness)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleSeedofDarkness/pseuds/IttyBittyTeapot), [sugarplumsenpai](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarplumsenpai/pseuds/sugarplumsenpai)




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